Headrest for my Soul
by Alexandermylove
Summary: "He wanted to be strong. He wanted so badly to just be able to turn off his emotions and become what was expected of him. But how could he when the anniversary of his baby brother's death was only a couple days away?" The Lightwood siblings have a hard time expressing themselves when they are hurt. This is how they handle the anniversary of Max's death.


**A/N: Hey guys!**

 **So as some of you may know, April 29th was the one year anniversary of the day that I first started writing fanfic.**

 **I wanted to do something special for it so I figured 'why not write some angst?'**

 **The original prompt that I got for this was: 'Anniversary of Max's death with Magnus kissing away Alec's tears' but I changed it slightly by taking out Magnus.**

 **Uhh...this is my first TMI oneshot that isn't fluff and isn't Malec so I apologize now if this is crap.**

 **I really do hope you enjoy it though:**

* * *

Alec had tried to block it out.

He didn't want to talk about it, hear about it, or even think about it.

He had hoped that if he just ignored it, and acted like it had never happened, that it would not hit him as hard.

But that was easier said than done.

The closer and closer it got, Alec could feel it there: the sadness.

The sadness that was so prevalent that it felt like a tangible thing that could attack him while he was sleeping, or talking to someone, or out on a mission.

He had been trained extensively in so many different fighting styles and techniques but all of them were useless when pitted up against the sadness.

He wanted to snap.

He wanted to take out a seraph blade and cut into his skin until he was raw and bloody if it meant that the pain could go away.

But he couldn't do that.

No matter how much he felt like he wanted to- needed to- fall apart he couldn't do any of that. He had to keep a strong face no matter what because that was what Shadowhunters did.

They were warriors descended from angels. They were the world's only defense against demons. They were not allowed the liberty of breaking down and then slowly pulling themselves back together. They just kept going- indefinitely going, sometimes loosing pieces of themselves, sometimes becoming cracked or broken in the process, but they kept going until they no longer could.

He wanted to be strong.

He wanted so badly to just be able to turn off his emotions and become what was expected of him.

But how could he when the anniversary of his baby brother's death was only a couple days away?

* * *

It wasn't very hard to tell that Izzy and Jace weren't taking it very well either.

His adopted brother tried to keep up his usual sarcastic, devil may care attitude but there were still little things- times when it grew silent and his golden eyes would become dark and distant as if he were a thousand miles away- that alerted Alec of how the golden haired boy really felt.

But Jace was easier to deal with. They had a bond that went beyond friendship and beyond blood, they were bound together for the rest of their lives and they just _worked_. They knew when the other needed to be comforted by words and when it was best to just keep their silence.

If only he had that kind of connection with Izzy. She was his baby sister and he loved her immensely- but even though he sometimes knew how to read her like a book, other times he was left completely clueless.

She was not as good as Jace at hiding the fact that she was hurting. She would close herself off and become painfully indifferent to all things- so indifferent that anyone could tell that she was anything but.

So they struggled on.

They tried to put on brave faces and acted as if they didn't see the cracks in each other's masks. They just continued to try to be strong for themselves and for each other and for a while it worked. For a while, they could pretend that they didn't know loss, and they didn't know this kind of pain, but then they reached a point where they just

couldn't.

* * *

Alec had ended up staying the night at the Institute. He woke up in his old room feeling exhausted but he was unable to go back to sleep. The raven haired Nephilim looked at the clock on his bedside table to see that it was only 4 in the morning. As he sat up in his bed and tried to rub some of the exhaustion from his eyes- he started to regret his decision to stay in his old home.

He knew that it had been the logical thing to do because 1) he and his siblings had been out late until 1:30, 2) they had been closer to Manhattan than Brooklyn so it made more sense than heading to his apartment and 3) being there when his siblings woke up would probably be better for all of them. But he had to admit that if he had just traveled the extra mile and a half it would have taken him to get back to the loft that he shared with his boyfriend, he might have been able to sleep better. And if not, he could have gotten distracted by the sounds of the warlock's steady heartbeat, the feel of his hands, or the taste of his lips.

But since he had decided to stay, all he had to keep him company right now were memories and pictures and sounds from the past.

If he turned his head, he could practically see his little brother standing in his doorway, squinting in the darkness without his glasses on and hair rumpled from sleep, asking Alec if he could come sleep in his room after having a nightmare.

Alec was up and out of his bed before the sadness had a chance to fully sink its claws into him.

He quickly threw on some training gear and was out of his room in a matter of minutes.

As he passed the library he considered going in to try to read and clear his head but then he remembered that the room had been his little brother's favorite place in the Institute so he just continued on to the training room.

He opened the door and was greeted by a _thump thump thump_ sound.

So he wasn't the only one with this idea.

He walked in to find Jace throwing knifes at targets set up halfway across the room.

Every single one of them hit the target in the middle.

He didn't have to stand there for very long- Jace soon ran out of knives in his hand, went over to the board to collect them, and as he was pulling out the last one he called over his shoulder, "Do you want to do some weapons training?"

Alec felt a small smile of appreciation creeping onto his lips as he walked over to one of the side walls and retrieved two feather-staffs. He walked over to the center of the room and he was able to see the full extent of the the dark circles under Jace's eyes and lines at the corners of his lips- Alec assumed that he himself looked the same. Without commenting on it, he tossed the staff over to his brother and Jace easily caught it out of the air.

After a moment of sizing each other up, they launched forward and attacked- the loud sound of wood meeting wood filling the otherwise empty room.

They fought long and hard. Utilizing their whole bodies, moving around to multiple parts of the room, switching out weapons, for hours and hours and _hours_ until the pain in their hearts and their minds wasn't as strong as the pain in their overworked muscles.

Alec didn't get a chance to look at the time until after they had showered, changed, and were heading out of the room.

Nearly 10.

He felt his eyes widen as he came to a sudden realization.

"Isabelle-" He only had to say the one word and Jace's eyes immediately lit up as he caught on to Alec's line of thought.

It was well past the time that they usually started at and their little sister had not shown up for training.

Yes, Alec and Jace had gotten an early start but they had expected her to walk in when they were halfway through and try to join them.

But she hadn't shown up at all.

And if she hadn't made it to training, then where was she?

"I'll check the east wing, you got the west?" Jace suggested.

Alec quickly nodded and then they were splitting up to look for her.

Izzy wasn't as reckless as Jace was so Alec wasn't as worried as he would have been if it had been his parabatai that had disappeared instead. When it came to Jace, he would be wondering if the golden haired boy was jumping off of rooftops to test how high up he needed to be in order to shatter all the bones in his legs, but with Izzy he was worried that she had finally reached her breaking point. That her mask of indifference had finally shattered and she was too ashamed to show her face and admit to not being strong enough.

So Alec searched the west wing. He looked in the library, he looked in the classroom, he looked in the hallways that used to be their parents' and came up with nothing.

The last thing left was the long hallway that held all of their bedrooms. He looked into the three of their room's, first Isabelle's, then Jace's, and finally his but all still had the same results: nothing.

Where else could she be?

He was just leaving the hallway when he heard a sound that made him pause. It sounded like a small sniffle. If the sound hadn't come from the one place that he had made a point of completely avoiding ever since the event in Idris then he probably would not have picked up on it.

He felt his heart start beating rapidly in his chest and tried to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down.

 _In. Out._

 _In. Out._

It didn't work.

But he continued to breathe anyway because if Izzy truly was in there then he needed to look more calm and collected then how he actually felt.

 _In. Out._

 _In. Out._

 _In._

 _Out._

Until he no longer felt like he is going to fall apart.

Slowly, hesitantly, he reached out a hand to place it on the doorknob and then turned it to reveal Max's old bedroom.

Nothing had been moved or changed in a year- books from the library were still piled haphazardly on his bedside table and pencils, crayons, and comics were still strewn all over the floor. The only thing out of place was his sister silently crying on top of the bedspread.

He could feel his heart pounding away in his throat but he forced himself to keep breathing, to keep calm, to stay strong.

"Isabelle-" He started but was cut off when he heard another sniffle.

"Go away, Alec." Her voice would have sounded intimidating if it wasn't thick with tears. Alec heart his heart shatter in his chest- there were very few things that were able to bring his sister to tears.

"Izzy-"

"Can you just go?" She sat up from the bed and Alec could see the way her eyes were red and puffy and sporting the same black circles that he and Jace had too.

It would definitely be easier if he just left, but easier did not automatically mean that it was the right thing to do. She had not allowed him to be there for her in the early days after Max's death- he would be damned if he let that happen again now.

Alec shook his head and moved into the room. "No."

She met his eyes with her big brown ones and it looked like she was trying to hold back her newest round of tears.

"Please-" Her voice broke.

Alec finally made it over to the bed and once again, he was filled with images of Max, young and tiny, looking up at him with soft gray eyes as he read out loud from a book, or of carrying him to his room and tucking him in after he had fallen asleep in the library for the umpteenth time. He sat down on the edge.

"I'm not going anywhere, Iz." And it was true. He would always be there for her, no matter what, because he was her older brother and he loved her. It didn't matter how hard or easy it was for him, all that mattered was her and whether or not she was alright.

She must have seen the sincerity in his eyes because she leaned forward until she could rest her head in the crook of his neck. His hand came up and started to slowly stroke her hair- putting conscious effort into trying to be as gentle as possible.

He didn't hear any more sniffling but he did feel wetness against the skin of his neck and shoulder. He didn't try to stop her, he just let her feel what she needed to feel while constantly reminding her, with fingers running through her hair or a gentle hand against her arm, that he was still there and that she wasn't alone.

He wasn't sure how long they sat like that before Isabelle decided to speak.

"I'm sorry-" She said it so low that he almost didn't hear it.

He felt his eyebrows furrow both out of confusion and because he was straining to hear her. "For what?"

"I just- I never got a chance to say that. You trusted me enough to protect him and I- I couldn't-I didn't-" He felt her body shake as she struggled to finish her sentence before she finally just gave up and she was turning into him, curling up her legs, and wrapping her arms around his waist as her body let out a painful sounding sob.

If his heart had shattered before, it now felt like all of the pieces were being ripped from his chest.

Slowly.

One by one.

He had known that Isabelle was sad.

He had known that she felt the same pain that he did.

But Isabelle thought that _she_ was the one to blame?

Alec could almost laugh.

He wrapped his arm around her, as tightly as she had, and spoke into her hair, "No, Izzy. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I was supposed to be there to protect the both of you, but I didn't and I almost ended up losing the two of you for it."

It was hard to get out but it needed to be said. If he hadn't stupidly trusted Sebastian with the lives of his two younger siblings, then maybe the three of them wouldn't be in this situation right now. It needed to be out in the open because he needed her to understand. He needed her to not spend the rest of her life thinking that she was the blame for Max's murder when clearly it was-

"It's neither of your faults." A familiar voice came from the doorway. Alec didn't even bother looking up- he had known that their adoptive brother would find them eventually.

He heard the sound of Jace walking into the room and felt the bed shift as he sat down on Izzy's other side.

"None of us knew who Sebastian really was." His parabatai continued, "Or what he was planning. He fooled all of us but that doesn't mean that we should beat ourselves up about it every single day."

Alec felt some of the tension draining out of his shoulders at the sound of his brother's voice. All of his regret and his guilt couldn't be erased by a few words, but he had to admit that finally having his feelings out in the open and known by others instead of carrying them around with him every single day made him feel slightly better. Lighter.

Alec finally looked up to find tired amber eyes burning holes into his own- they seemed to desperately will him to understand what he was driving at and Alec did. He always did.

"Max wouldn't have wanted this-" Alec continued for his brother. "He would have wanted us-"

"To be happy. Yes, I know." Izzy lifted her head from his shoulder and attempted to smile slightly- even though it came out looking more like a grimace-as she finished the sentence that he had said to her all those months ago. "It's just harder to be when he's not here." She wiped her eyes with the back of one hand while the other remained firmly wrapped around Alec's waist.

He knew the feeling and one quick glance in Jace's direction let him know that their brother felt the same.

None of them were 100% okay. Perhaps it would take a long time for them to be.

They were all broken and battered in some way, but none of them were alone.

No matter what trials and tribulations they went through they would always do so...together.

So with that, they ended up lying down and curling up on top of the sheets just like when they were kids.

And they slept.

* * *

 **A/N: Okay it's 1 am so if there are any huge errors I will put full blame on my tired mind.**

 **Please tell me what you think of my first official 'angst' oneshot and whether or not you want to see more fics with just the Lightwood siblings in them.**

 **Thanks for reading and thanks for making this an awesome first year!**

 **-Alexandermylove**


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